Breaking You
by chibi-angel3
Summary: How do you break your woman's heart when it shatters yours to see her cry? Read on and explore the darker side of love. Leave me a review and make chibi-angel happy! **COMPLETED!**
1. Chapter One

Standard Disclaimers Apply. Breaking you… 

I had wanted to talk to you for months now. The reason why I couldn't was more for your sake than mine. Please don't be mad at me. God knows how many times I had tried and failed. It's just that whenever you told me that you loved me, I stopped.

I couldn't hurt you anymore.

I didn't want to abuse you anymore.

And I didn't want to aggravate your fears anymore.

But with these, my own set of fears… I hurt you even more. So, what was I supposed to do? Was there an easy way out? Was there even a just way out when it was a lose-lose situation? That whatever I did, we were both bound to get hurt?

My silence haunted you with the unknown, while it slowly and painfully poisoned me from within. Yet, if I did decide to tell you, it would just confirm all your worries and it would kill me knowing that it was killing you. Tell me, what was I supposed to do?

I tried to hide it all by keeping my distance, acting cold even. I knew it hurt you that was why I tried to act apathetic.

At least one of us should act strong.

However, I couldn't keep this act for long. I couldn't if I wanted to keep my remaining sanity.

Yesterday, when we were together, I tried to keep my distance as much as possible so that I wouldn't have to take off my hand when you place yours on mine. So that I wouldn't see the frown that would form on your face when I did that.

So that I wouldn't have to pretend to be deaf whenever I hear you say 'I Love You'.

I tried to keep my distance because I couldn't bear being near you. It would just confuse me more.

If I had to make a decision to love you, I want to make it solely on my own. Not because of guilt, obligation and definitely not because of pity. You deserve better than that. You deserve better than me if I wasn't even sure of my feelings for you.

Then, as I walked you towards the door, as I should because of courtesy, you leaned over to give me a good night kiss just like what a loving couple would normally do. I didn't know what exactly came over me but I didn't want to feel your warm breath on my skin… your scent on my nose… your lips against mine. No, I didn't want any of those so I turned my head away that your lips landed on my cheeks.

I saw disappointment shadowing your face, like a moon covering the bright sun during a solar eclipse. Yes, that is right. You are a sun in a way. You are the center of this family. You are a bright light.

But then, I came and took all that light away.

That night, I couldn't sleep. I know you couldn't either for I can hear your soft sobs. It churned my heart into pieces but I couldn't do anything about it. I was the one who inflicted that pain on you and I couldn't cure it. 

Not now. 

Not when I still don't know the answer.

But what if my answer just aggravated it?

For the rest of the day, I avoided you by doing menial work. And, when I was through with the chores, I went to the lake to think. I wanted to be alone then. To sort out my feelings. To think of a better plan on how to tell you.

I knew I should have told you right away but I didn't know how. I even asked Sano about it and he said that when in doubt, I should just gear towards the lesser of the two evils, which was to keep quiet until I was sure.

But I couldn't take it anymore.

That was why I am knocking at your door. I wanted to talk.

You opened the door, smiling casually, but your puffed and red eyes spoke volumes. You had been crying. You sat on the futon, motioning me to sit beside you. "Do you have a problem?"

You're question was so direct that it surprised me but that was perfectly fine because at least you were direct about it and I didn't have to bring it up. Making the first move was always hard and I commend you for your strength… for consuming the remaining strength you had left. 

How do you do it, Kaoru? How do you manage to keep yourself intact when you had given all your love to me? Do you know how much it hurts me knowing that I don't love you the way you deserved to be loved? The way it hurts me knowing that I don't deserve your love?

I sighed deeply. I guess now was the _right time_ that I had been waiting for.

"Actually, I have," came my sullen and premeditated reply.

You gasped at what I said, not really because you were surprised at my answer. No, not that. You already knew that part. You were surprised at my honesty. "Is it about me?"

"No, not just you." Although it was blunt and tactless, I had no other alternative. The truth that I was about to reveal wasn't pretty. It was brutal and unforgiving. I didn't need to sugar coat it. 

It would be desecrating its ends. 

You kept quiet after that and I was thankful. At least I could explain everything to you without any interruption. I trained my eye to a certain spot near the window. I had to keep it away from you. I couldn't bear to look at your face. It would just crumble my resolve and I would be back to where I started. Devising another way to break it to you.

No. I couldn't prolong it anymore. I had been given this opportunity and I wouldn't waste it anymore. Delaying it would only kill us both.

"Do you know the feeling that you just want to be alone?" I began. "That you just want to go away some place to get to know yourself once again? To know what you really want with your life? To know who you really are?" I glanced at your forlorn expression, waiting for your response. When you didn't say anything, I continued, "I know it sounds ultimately selfish but that is how I feel right now. I want to be alone. I had been feeling this for a couple of months now and I had been meaning to tell you everything but I just couldn't find the right timing. 

I just couldn't find the right words. 

I just couldn't find the strength to tell you when I know I would only hurt you. 

There were so many things I just couldn't do… things that were holding me back but I guess in the end, we both suffered. Yes, you and me both. I know it doesn't make sense to be hurting when I was only thinking about myself when I made this decision but please bear in mind that I also, not just once, considered what your reaction and feelings about this would be. I don't know. So there, I have said it. I want to rediscover myself. I want to … 

"I just want to be alone… now," I finished, casting down my head as I fiddled with the edges of my hakama.

"So in other words, you just don't want to be with me anymore," **you** stated miserably.

I knew **you** would misunderstand me. I had expected it in a way. I mean, how could I expect **you** to understand me when I didn't even understand myself fully**?** Looking out at the window, I tried my best to explain it, "It's not that. I just want to be alone. To think."

Tears were now falling from her cheeks but I had to ignore it. It's better that way.

"Please don't get me wrong," I said, my voice firm.

"So what do you want now?"

"I don't know. That is what I want to find out."

A thick blanket of tension fell upon us and we were silent. I knew what you were thinking of right now. I know how deep the cut I had inflicted upon you. I knew how much I ruined you. But I was helpless. This was beyond my control now. We would be both unhappy no matter how it turned out.

"Don't you love me anymore?" **you** asked.

"It's not that… it's just that…"

"What?"

"I just want to… like I said…" I sighed deeply, asking myself how many times did I have to repeat what I had just said for **you **to understand. Maybe **you **just didn't. Or maybe you were in denial— that the words just didn't or wouldn't sink in. In any case, the least I could do was to answer your questions. "I want to know myself first. I want to know myself before I give myself to others." Staring at your glassy pools, I finished, "To you."

It wasn't that I was giving you any false hope. No. That would be too cruel for me. But a voice inside me is telling me that I still loved you. I still get butterflies in my stomach whenever I remember you looking at me so lovingly whenever I played with Ayame-chan and Suzume-chan? Or the way you caressed my scarred cheek and told me that there was no one else you would love. The way you followed me to Kyoto… the way you welcomed me into your home.

But the problem was I couldn't distinguish whether it was you that I love or the memories we had together. Both may have happened instantaneously but they were different essentially.

Loving you meant loving the whole package… loving our memories meant loving the feeling of being loved.****

"Kenshin?" you asked, interrupting my trail of thoughts.

"Hmmm…"

"I want to tell you something but please don't be mad."

My heart sank. "No… don't tell me." I already knew what it was.

Your frown deepened as you choked back a sob. "Why don't you want me to tell you?" you asked, barely whispering.

It pained me, hearing you hold back your tears. I had always made you cry. Maybe this time, you didn't want to cry for me anymore. That you think you had shed enough tears for me. That's **all right**, beloved, hold it back, I am not worthy of your tears. 

Not that I ever was. 

You deserved better than me because I didn't love you the way you deserved to be loved. I didn't deserve you because…  though I wanted to give the whole world to you, I couldn't because… I didn't even know where I was standing on.****

Slowly, I replied to your answer, "I just don't want to. Please don't press it any further."

"Why don't you want to hear me say that I love you!?" you burst out, tears flowing freely from your eyes.

"Because I already  know that and… it confuses me. It makes me more guilty."

"Guilty of what? I already told you that I don't care about your past."

No. That wasn't the issue I was talking about. This was more serious. I was… "Guilty of abusing you," I corrected her.

"But I don't take it like that. I willingly give you everything I have because I love you. I will never ever consider that as you abusing me," you exclaimed, voice desperate as you clung to the sleeves of my gi.

"I know you would never think that," I softly answered. "but I know for myself what I am doing to you. I can't measure up to your expectations. **I can't love you the way you want me to.**" I bowed my head once again, not wanting to meet your eyes. "How can I love you when I don't even know myself yet."

"So now you are telling me straight… you don't love me."

"Please," I pleaded. "Just … don't talk anymore."

"Why?" 

"Because **if** I do decide to stay, I would want to stay because I want to… not because you asked me to. Not because of guilt. But because I want to. Because I love you."

"But you just told me you didn't," you raised her eyebrows, confusion written all over your face.

Even I was getting confused. My emotions were so erratic, so unstable… so fickle. I didn't know what I wanted anymore. It seemed that my resolve was starting to crumble, my purpose dispersing into thin air. I didn't know what I wanted anymore. 

"I said I didn't know!" I suddenly yelled. I didn't know what came over me but I felt as if I was on the verge of a breakdown… like I was standing over the cliff of my sanity. Taking deep shallow breaths to regain my composure, I replied, "I wasn't sure. All I said was I couldn't match the love you are giving me."

"Kenshin. Let me in. Let me help you with this."

"I have already let you in when I told you about my problem. But I can't let you help me. This is something I have to do on my own. And I **want** to do this on my own."

"Please, Kenshin," you begged on your knees.

"Please, **understand** that I have to do this on my own."

Then you paused. "What about me? **What good am I if you don't need me anymore**?" The bitterness of you tone pierced me. 

Why were you depending her whole life on me? Why did you need me so much when you had managed on her own without me? What happened to this strong woman I used to admire? Why were you giving me the power to make and break you?

I didn't deserve that so I asked, "What if I can't stay with you anymore?"

"Then just kill me."

"Then I would die, too."

I stared out of the window, the boulder of rock I was carrying became heavier with each passing second. I never thought that the truth would not set me free. Standing up, I glanced over my shoulder to look at her for the last time. "I have to go."

She didn't stand up nor did she try to stop me. She just wept in her seat and whispered, "Kenshin, I love you."

I nodded in return. "Good night, Kaoru."

At that, I picked up my belongings and left.

**Author's Notes:**

**Mids**, thanks for the advice. **Dementedchris** and my treasured **power puff girls**- thank you for being my crutch. I could barely stand up now.

Here I am again with an angsty piece… this time its… well, angstier— if there is such a thing. I don't know if I should end it here or make it a happy ending. I don't know. So it is up to you, you know I am a sucker for happy ending so leave me a review and make this depressed angel happy again.

Style Notes: Thanks dementedchris for teaching me this writing style. I guess… it helps me unleash more emotions.

Don't worry about my other ficcies. I will update them all regularly. Finally, check out my two new fics, **'Be Still My Heart'** and **'Crimson Skies'**. Tell me what you think, okay?

Leave me a Review… 

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**Make me happy.**


	2. Chapter Two

Standard Disclaimers Apply. Chapter Two 

As I sat under the shade of this lonely tree, I wondered how you were doing this moment. I have to confess that I found myself doing that most of my journey and it was only now that I realized that even if I left you, I would never be truly alone because you **didn't leave my heart and my mind. Whose fault would that be now? Yours or mine?**

Until now, I don't know if what I feel for you now is love or guilt. How could one distinguish them anyway?

I was really hurting, Kaoru but dare I say that when it was I who left you?

The one who abandoned you?

I know I had my reasons when I left you. I wanted to find myself… but what if I couldn't find it anymore because I was only whole in the first place when I was with you. 

I laughed bitterly at that realization. 

It's been… what? Hours? Days? Weeks? Months? Years? I didn't know anymore. All I knew was it had been too long and… a miserable day was always the same. I would wake up, alone and empty. No security. No one beside me. No one to talk to. No one who cared. I abandoned life itself when I walked out that door.

Kaoru, can I still return to you? Will you still hold out your hand and say, "Okaeri nasai!" and then I would say, "Tadaima de gozaru, anata," and then everything will be back to normal again. I didn't think so but…

I needed to be whole again. I need you to complete me.

With that new resolve, I stood up, dusted the back part of my hakama and went on my way back… to where? The dojo. I wouldn't assume that was still my home. Not after leaving. Not after hurting you like that.

Whenever I look back to that day I left you, somehow, I couldn't remember why I left. At that time, everything seemed logical and justified… that I just had to do it. That if I didn't…

Who was I kidding, ne?

My reasons were irrational and downright stupid… well, that is how I see it now. **Everything was in vain. All your tears, pains, heartaches, sleepless nights, yearning, guilt and love…  Everything was wasted. I didn't find myself, instead I lost it.**

How are you now, love? How are you taking things? Have you gotten over me or is the thought of me still pains you?

Sano had told me how much I had hurt you when I left for Kyoto to fight Shishio. He told me that it was as if you had given up on life itself. You refused to eat, to go about, to talk… you just stared at a distance, tears falling freely from your once sparkling eyes as you wondered if you were just living out a nightmare. Did you suffer as you did back then or was this worse?

No, Kaoru. Don't answer that. I know already.

I trudged the all too familiar path to the place I used to call home. I took one painful and bitter step after the other, dragging my feet as I dreaded the unknown. A part of me told me that you were still waiting for me. That the minute I walk inside the dojo, you would be sitting on the dojo porch, patiently waiting for me to return. 

The odds were against me but a longing heart is always persistent.

I could see the dojo now and with each step I took, it led me closer to you. I wanted to run. God knew that I wanted to leap through the air so that in one swift move, I would be with you… in my arms…

…where we both belong.

But I didn't. I restrained myself. I shouldn't be rash. I shouldn't belittle the hurt I had given you so I took meditated steps as I allowed my mind to wander on how I would face you. Should I smile at you or show my misery since I left? Should I apologize immediately or just embrace you and let my heartbeat show you how I felt. Should I walk in that door and allow all the painful memories flood you once again?

My heart wrenched.

Was I being selfish again? That I would just leave you whenever I felt like it and return whenever I wanted? I knew that I had always taken your feelings in consideration whenever I decided to do something drastic but was my assessment enough? Was it even close to what you were feeling? 

Che! How arrogant I was back then to assume I understood. That since we were both hurting… somehow, I thought it made up for it. That the pain we were feeling was mutually compensated, therefore adding to the justification of my reasons. It always boiled down to it, ne? 

Justification.

I had wasted more than five years of my life, always trying to justify my cowardly acts. Why was I afraid of loving you? Of loving myself? Sometimes, I just stopped and wondered: what if I really deserved you? What if I never left?

Oh, God! What have I done!?! 

We could have been husband and wife by now, happy and contented. We would still be living in the dojo and I would find a job somewhere while you take care of our son and teach at the dojo. How many children would we have? I guess, I would leave the decision up to you, since you were going to be the one to carry our child. 

Our child.

Made from our own flesh and blood. Sprung from the consummation of our love.

Why did I have to feel so unworthy of you when you had always made me feel worthy and deserving**? I am so thankful for that but… but…**

There is always a but, isn't it?

But then, why can't I find the statement, which would follow it now?

I sighed heavily as I lifted my hand towards the hard wood of the dojo gate, which was the only barrier that stood between us.** Slowly, I pushed the door ajar, wanting to peer inside to know what changed.**

It was still the same. The run-down dojo I had learned to love was still there with the same welcoming atmosphere that accepted an ex-assassin, ex-gangster, ex-thief and ex-opium maker. But then, it wasn't really the dojo. It was you. The light you had was enough to illumine all our jaded souls, especially mine. With all your might, you extended your delicate hand to pull me out from the abyss of misery. I held on to you for a while but then I let go.

And I guess after that, we both drowned.

That is why I am here. To come to the surface. I've had enough of all this hiding… all these fears. I want you. I need you.

My eyes trailed around the perimeter of the dojo, searching for you. Just then, I found myself frozen to the ground as I locked my eyes on your sapphire pools. The luster on it returned. You had never been more beautiful. Your cheeks were flushed in a delicate shade of pink… you… your bright face had returned.

Maybe you had already forgiven me.

I was about to step inside the dojo when a man wearing a formal gi and hakama caught my eye. For a moment, my blood raged, feeling an overwhelming sense of protectiveness but then I sighed and regained my composure when I realized that it was just Sanosuke. 

He looked so mature and responsible in the way he carried himself now. "Thank you, Sano. I knew you were the one who took care of my Kaoru," I whispered gratefully.

My smile widened as I prepared myself to face you again. My heart was pounding with equal shares of excitement and nervousness. I was prepared to apologize if you were still mad, but at least, I know we would work things out.

I pushed the door wider, letting my right foot in. Just then, blood drained from my face as I collapsed to the ground, unable to hold my weakened knees. 

There, Sano walked towards you, pressing a tender kiss on your lips. ****

Kaoru, my Kaoru, why did you respond so lovingly, wrapping your arms around him?

What happened during my absence? 

My heart ached with each tortuous second. I knew that I should just close my eyes to keep my remaining sanity but I couldn't tear my eyes off the scene. It was as if it wouldn't sink in. That I couldn't accept the reality unfolding before me. Tears were threatening to spill from my eyes as my eyebrows creased.

Were my cruel eyes just playing tricks on me?

It must be because I was seeing Sano trailing his kisses to your neck down to your…

You… you're pregnant? You were carrying Sano's child?

I gasped heavily, trying to hold back my tears but I couldn't. This was all too much for me to take. A loud sob escaped from me, projecting a sound of a child's pained whimper.

It was supposed to be me.

I was supposed to be the one holding her and hugging her… making her smile.

I was supposed to be her husband… the one who would take care of her and live with her.

I was supposed to be the one kissing her stomach.

She was supposed to be carrying my child. 

Our child. Made from our own flesh and blood. Sprung from the consummation of our **love.**

Our love? Where did it all go?

I cried for myself and for the child that could never be mine. What have I done?

Seeing them approaching the source of the sobs, I clutched my tightening chest as I struggled to stand up. 

No, I wouldn't let you see me. I wouldn't destroy the happiness I am sure you two had worked hard on. I wouldn't erase the smile on your face once again.

I extended my hands to balance myself while I ran away. This was **too much for me to bear. I sat under a sakura tree, pulling my knees to my chest as I screamed my lungs out in frustration. Tears… big fat drops of misery poured from my eyes… yet it wasn't enough to relieve me. Nothing could relieve this pain I bore. The pain I had inflicted on myself.**

Oh, God! I love you! I love you so much! But I let you go… no… I pushed you away. And now that… now that I wanted you back… you are already in the arms of another man…

…the man I considered as my best friend.

Kaoru, the world I knew had fallen apart and there was nothing else I could do about it. I wanted to be strong… to stand by my decision to leave years ago but I couldn't.

It hurts too much.

I didn't want to cry anymore for it wouldn't solve anything. It wouldn't change the fact that you are now happy with him, Sano, _your husband_. I should be happy for you, right? 

But I couldn't help it. My heart wouldn't allow it. 

Forgive me. Please. Even for one day, just allow me to be selfish and mourn for your newly-found love. I needed to do this for myself… to just be me. 

Broken and helpless.

"Kao… Kaoru, I love you," I wept bitterly, as I raised my hands in the air, tracing your outline, imagining that you were there. "I'm sorry. There are so many things left unsaid. But now, I don't have the chance to tell you. I destroyed everything that made me who I am. 

You and our love. 

In my search to find myself, I destroyed myself… my heart, my mind and my soul. Tell me, how could I go on when there is nothing left of me."

Nothing.

~~

Five years ago, my heart was shattered knowing that I was breaking you. Now, as I return to you, trying to patch the hole I had created, I found myself walking away once again.

In the end, I was the one left broken. 

**=============**

**Author's Notes:**

Many thanks to dementedchris for editing and for giving baka Kenshin a good piece of advice. Hey, Chris! Watch out! Kenshin might fall for your wisdom! OUCH, Aoshi! I was only kidding! ^_^

Gu-hi-me, thanks for everything, as always. You are my best friend though you may not now it. Hehehe… well, I guess you'll find out once you take a time and read this! ;-p

Originally, I was planning to make this fic 4 chaps max, adding Sano and Kaoru's point-of-view but I decided to write the fic completely through Kenshin's eyes. Kaoru's POV would be coming soon but I would post it as a separate one-shot entitled, "My Silent Tragedy." Anyway, just wait for it!

Thank you for the feedback and keep them coming! Thanks for all your concern! You know what? ff.net lost 9 of my reviews for this fic. Sob! Sob! Sorry! Huhuhuhu!!!! I didn't want that to happen!!! =( That's why I don't have individual responses. Oh well, just leave me your reviews now! ^__^ I never thought that this would become a full-blown angst fic! Anyway, I had posted a chap of 'Lie to Me' to compensate for the dark mood this fic emanates. 

**Leave me your reviews! Tell me what you think!!**


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